What Causes a Loving Relationship To Go Cold?

“What Causes a Loving Relationships to Go Cold”

Ever since my ex-husband moved out of our house in May 2020, I have pondered this question. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other at the beginning of the relationship, but after many years of marriage, it had gone cold. During the last few years of our marriage, we argued over my loss of passion in our relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on what happened. I still enjoyed his company, and we had fun together, but we became more like roommates than lovers. We started sleeping in separate beds. We still kissed hello and goodbye, and for no reason at all. I know that we loved each other, but the relationship had gotten to the point that sex was more of a chore for me than a desire. Why? I'm a sexual being; it is one of the things in this life that I enjoy the most. Why was I so uninterest?

After much therapy and spending time talking openly about my questions to my girlfriends, I am still just a complex. As human beings, we all believe that the way that we live life is the best. We can sometimes push our way of living on others. When my ex-husband and I were married, he went to bed at 9:30 pm every night. When it was time to go to bed, he would get up and turn off the TV and the lights and look at me and say, “It’s time for bed”. I felt like a little girl, back home with my mommy and daddy. I was not treated like the grown woman that I had worked so hard to become. It was the subtle gabs of disrespect that began to eat away at me. As if I didn’t have a mind of my own or that my ideas or thoughts didn’t matter. I am learning that when you are in a relationship you have to agree to allow, accept, and equally participate in each other's way of living. When we lose the person we are, we become depressed and resentful. This also can cause a power struggle between two people causing a lack of trust, and a diminishing desire to communicate. You begin to take one another for granted, you begin to shut down. You no longer are spending quality time together and you drift apart.

One thing I wish that I had understood back then, so I could have communicated it to my ex-husband, is that intimacy is not sex. Intimacy is comprised of so much more. Intimacy consists of not just sexual, but spiritual and experiential experiences. I believe that my ex-husband needed sex from me to feel connected to me, but I need to have the spiritual and experiential to feel connected to him. Finding a balance between living styles in a relationship requires open communication and a willingness to compromise, while respecting each other’s individuality. Each partner should express their needs and preferences. Aiming to create a shared lifestyle that honors both identities. Setting aside time to discuss daily routines, interests, and boundaries can help facilitate this balance. It’s essential to prioritize each person’s values and ensure that both partners feel heard and respected.

Engaging in joint activities that reflect both partners' interests can also strengthen the bond while allowing for individual expression. Consider negotiating aspects like bedtime routines, leisure activities, and household responsibilities in a way that feels equitable. Ultimately, focusing on shared goals and values can help cultivate a relationship where both partners maintain their identities while growing together. If we had both prioritized emotional intimacy alongside physical intimacy, we would have created a deeper connection that made us feel more seen, accepted, loved, and understood. By sharing our thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities, we could have built a stronger foundation of trust and support. This mutual understanding would have fostered a sense of belonging and closeness, allowing us to navigate challenges together and reinforce our bond. Ultimately, recognizing that emotional intimacy is just as essential as physical intimacy could have transformed our relationship into a more fulfilling and enriching experience for both of us. I am learning that by listening to my partner's wants and needs, being willing to have difficult conversations, and trusting each other to maintain a sense of individuality, we create a necessary foundation for a successful relationship. Valuing open communication fosters a safe space where both partners feel comfortable expressing themselves. This mutual respect's individuality not only strengthens the bond between us but also enhances our ability to work through challenges together. By prioritizing these aspects, we can cultivate a deeper emotional connection, ensuring that both of us feel valued and understood within the partnership.